Books That Inspire and an Author's Self doubt

 I vividly remember the two books that etched their words into my memory, made an impact on my teenage self trying to understand an unfair world, and inspired me to pursue the writing that I now do. 

I don't remember how I acquired Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt, but I do remember reading for hours, absorbed in the world of Dicey Tillerman and her siblings, Sam, James and Maybeth, as they wrestled with the realization their mother had abandoned them at a mall on their way to the home of an Aunt Cilla the kids had never met. After waiting two days, thirteen-year-old Dicey made the hard decision that she and her siblings would walk the rest of the way to their grandmother's house when their mom walked away and didn't come back. With paper bags holding a few scant supplies nestled under each kid's arm, they began walking with only their grandmother's address and a map to guide them.  Hunger, fatigue and fear of being separated threatened to break their will, but Dicey didn't give up, no matter the obstacles, and she managed to bring them all safely to the grandmother's house. 

It was the sheer determination and fortitude of Dicey that drew me in and I came to admire this character. She was the opposite of me, but I aspired to be like her.

A Solitary Blue followed closely on the heels of Homecoming as a favorite by Cynthia Voigt, this one following Jeff Greene, another character whose mother walked away in the name of "helping all the hurting children in the world", leaving him in the care of his reclusive and reserved professor father. But despite the emotional impact of being abandoned by his mom, Jeff navigated his way through the hurt, discovered himself and gained the ability to move forward. 

Strangely enough, it was the descriptions of the blue herons that came to the pond next to Jeff and his father's house that made the biggest impact. Maybe it was the symbolism of the blue heron's solitary life and their preference for it that resonated with me, as it did with Jeff. Like Jeff, my teenage self preferred not being around people. 

Recently, I reread both books and, despite them being for young adults, I still found them to be as profound as they were when I read them thirty-seven years ago. 

But rereading the books triggered a thought - why not reach out to Cynthia Voigt? 

I found her website and on it, an email address. I promptly clicked on the link and proceeded to write an email, letting her know how much I appreciated her stories and the inspiration they had been to me in pursuing the same direction of writing for young adults. I hit "send" and, admittedly, I figured I would never hear back from her or, at most, just a a couple of cordial, generic lines. 

I was wrong.

I wasn't prepared for the opening of the heart, the vulnerability.

The following is what she wrote:

"The approval/admiration ("But is she right?" self doubt asks) of fellow writers is heartening, I admit; thank you for offering me yours.  I hope you find as much satisfaction in working with and for young people as I always did, and they need all the help they can get, these days.  (But maybe they always did, certainly I think I did and it wasn't forthcoming, for all my devotion to Nancy Drew who did not disappoint.  Kids listen, don't you think? more readily than adults, in my experience.)

I am honored by the credit you give me for your own career. Thank you for writing to me -"

Cynthia Voigt

The question within the first set of parenthesis snagged my attention. I hesitated a moment before reading the rest of the email and ruminated on what I had just read - even Newberry Medal award-winning authors struggle with self doubt. 

And it wasn't Google AI telling me this. Or a random blogger spouting inspirational writing tips. This was a decades-long accomplished writer and author sharing the truth of every writer's experience.

After reading the email, I decided to do a Google search of how many books Cynthia Voigt has written at the time of this post. I discovered that she has written thirty-nine books. How's that for an "in-your-face" approach to dealing with Self doubt?

As a teenager, I would never have imagined that reading Homecoming or A Solitary Blue would matter anymore at the age of fifty-two, yet they have mattered.

Because of a lady who dared to shove self doubt out the door and write anyway.